| Saturday, September 27th, 2003 |
| 9:48 pm |
Peace
greed is absolute... every living being has some built-in greed... no one is exempt... everything in life is based on greed and everything we believe in comes from greed... ruthlessness... faithlessness... deceitfulness... the ways to secceed... life is unfair... and i see that now... there are times when your best isn't good enough... times where you have no control over what has or will happen... since you can't make urself any better... crippling others is the only way to go... i thought i had everything figured out... i was beginning to see a meaning in my life... at least i had a goal... and just like that... it was taken away... i realize now that nobody cares... everyone has their own problems... no one has time to help others... besides... why help others when you can't even help yourself... its still saturday here... there will only be one sunday left... one last day of my old life... the time for change has come... i blindly believed it would never come... but now it has... no one knows what wonders the future holds... and i am certain now... that no one gives a fuck... Current Mood: indescribable |
| Monday, September 15th, 2003 |
| 6:36 pm |
life
i've been thinking really hard lately... thinking about the types of things i want to set out to accomplish this lifetime... but i must have the shittiest luck ever... cuz all the plans i make... no matter how simple they are... never seem to work out... its one thing to fail... i can deal with that... but its another to never be given the chance to accomplish ur goals... life is just kind of sick like that... i often wonder if there is a god... i try to gather informations from various types of people... from different kinds of places... but nothing has really convinced me that there is really a god to believe in... coming from a christian background... it makes u wonder what happens after u die... is there really a heaven and a hell... is it really worth it to devote your entire life to one thing... it might be... but i personally don't have that much faith... christianity... what can i say... some of the people i met that were christians were in my eyes anything but... it was because of those people that i drifted apart from church... the morals and lessons are still with me because they were forced into my head when i was young... but now i'm beginning to think them through... i grew up thinking that as long as i always did the right thing... i would always be right... well... eventually i grew up and said fuck that... cuz the past few years have hardened my heart... i no longer have the patience to deal with idiots... i no longer have patience for the needy... why should i try to help people that wont try themselves... whats the point of doing a bunch of good stuff just to receive nothing... i've done everything right... i've been nice to everyone i've met... i've helped the needy... i have never intentionally tried to cause harm to anyone... what the fuck did i ever do to deserve such a bad life... |
| Thursday, September 4th, 2003 |
| 9:07 am |
welcome to the end of summer edition... well... last day of summer school... this was the longest summer of my life... taking 3 classes... all while no one else i knew had school and just wanted to go out all the time... lifes been rough... a lot of stuffs been going on.. and i ended up slacking off hardcore near the end of the quarter... 95% sure i passed 2/3 classes... that last one is an iffy tho... might have to beg professor for a passing grade... guess there is nothing else to do but wait... i really need to move out soon... i need a place to be alone... its hard to do anything when u have random people in ur room... i think i'm too nice... at least to people i don't know too well... or just don't talk to... i don't know why i treat them so nicely when inside i really couldn't care less about their opinions or them in general... i guess i have a thing about needing everyone to like me... or at least not hate me... i've been getting lazier and more tired by the day... my energy level has plummeted... i started working out.... which is suppose to give u more energy... but its doing the complete opposite... i'd go to the doctor and find out what wrong with me... but then i'd just have to deal with that... ignorance is bliss... i got on the wc3 ladder... hehe... nuff said my car broke down for the very first time this summer... it was near the end of summer school... bad luck has just been following me around ever since... a lot of shit has been going on ... and i'm rethinking a lot of stuff... i miss my dog... its had finally hit me that my dog is never coming back... maybe that the cause of my low energy levels... probably in a depresssion or somethin... it feels like there is a void in my life now... everytime i go outside... there is no one to greet me... when i'm cutting hair in the backyard.. there no dog jumping around... everytime i look outside... i get reminded that i've lost something... i pretty much grew up with that dog... honestly... its got me through some tough times... i think what eating at me is that i didn't do anything about it when it ran away... the fact that i just let it slip away... wishfully thinking that she would just come back like all the times before... sometimes i wonder if i'm looking at life with the right attitude and mind set... could changing really be the right choice? |
| Monday, June 23rd, 2003 |
| 8:49 am |
first day of summer school... hope i can add the classes i fucked up on... teachers better not be pricks and fuck me over... |
| Sunday, June 22nd, 2003 |
| 10:15 am |
well... grades are in... and i can't believe it... i made it out fine... i was all worried for nothin... thats what i read on someone else's journal... i on the other hand did not do so well... turns out i failed 2 classes instead of one... i guess they gave me the group discount... or it was buy one get one free... or something liek that... thats what i get for being a bargain shopper... anywayz... the weeks near the end of the quarter have been horrible... i did a lot of things that i know were stupid... but did them anywayz... fuck... everything changes for me... here and now... i think i'm on AP too... on top of that... my dog is MIA... shitty luck... mixed with shitty teachers... mixed with shitty choices... makes a fucking great cake to eat... hmmm... i guess i'll go talk to the counselor... its up to her whether she's going to let me stay in the program... if she doesn't... i think i'll kill myself... nah.. just kidding... i should give her this URL and just start talking about killing myself.. then she'd probably let me stay... ahahha... fuck... i guess what i really need to do is to start working on my future... after all... from what people tell me... i'm almost 20 now.... and i still got nothing to show for it... missin my dog... Current Mood: sad |
| Thursday, June 19th, 2003 |
| 8:46 pm |
looking at high school yearbook... nuff said... Current Mood: depressed |
| Friday, June 13th, 2003 |
| 9:12 am |
time is money
fuck... i'm hella lazy... lately i've spent a lot of days where i just sit at home all day... doing basically nothing... now that i think about it... i could have gone to work or something... each day could have been potentially 50 bucks in the bank... if only i wasn't so lazy... i opted not to go to work today... telling myself that i had stuff to take care of... but... i think it was just the lazy me talking... since i could have taken care of all that shit a long time ago... all except registering for fall quarter classes... come to think of it... i hope i don't get screwed up the ass... spring grades better get here before i start summer... cuz i ahve no idea which classes i passed and which classes i didn't... oh wells... gonna have to start being more productive ... cuz thats the only thing left to do... dont' think i can be any lazier... |
| Tuesday, June 10th, 2003 |
| 12:00 pm |
... times a wasting... its finals week... and i haven't studied at all... i didn't even get to study for the one test that i planned to study for... fuck... worst luck when it comes to school... just took the midterm and things are looking grim... hope i make it out alive... i think i'm going to be MIA for a while... at least after fall quarter starts... time to get back on track... i used to be a couple of classes ahead of the schedule... but i'm starting to fall behind... due to the numberous dumbass mistakes i've made... online traffic school looks like its going to be easy.. and cheap too... only $19... sounds good... gotta look for time to do that shit... i could do it now.. but nah... hope for luck in the future... cuz my ass is gonna need it... looks like its time to beg the counselor to let me stay in the program again... we'll just have to see what happens... i feel really bad... cuz pauls uncle is planning a trip to mexico and i can't go... fuck... it kind of gets me angry when i really think about it... i think its the reason that i slowly drifted away from christianity... fucking getting no breaks in life... hate it when people who don't deserve shit just get stuff handed to them... meanwhile i'm working my ass off just to end up with nothing... the way things are going... i'll probably die day i graduate from college... that'd be a fiiting end... |
| Friday, May 30th, 2003 |
| 1:00 am |
this post is dedicated to freddy... Classes are very hard... i think i'm going to fail a class... the class is so hard ...i think i'm going to fail... failing of the class was caused by the class being hard... and the fact that i didn't study at all during this quarter... i'm going to fail because i didn't study... dam that class is hard... |
| Friday, May 23rd, 2003 |
| 9:17 pm |
going to fail a class .... don't know what to do... hope i don't get kicked out of the program.. ahah... i think that i want to fail deep down inside... by failing it would open up a whole new world... i wouldn't be stressed out as much from school... it might even result in changing to a new major... on another note... too many fucking retards in the world... and these aren't just dumb people...they're the type of people that make you really wonder about how they can be so stupid... yea... i love to bitch... it always makes me feel better... dirk nowitski is dead.... so it looks like the mavs aren't goign to win... oh wells... watching mavs games is way too frustrating... cuz they do stuff that makes you wonder how they got to the western conference finals.. ahahha .... well... thats all for now... memorial day weekend.... gogogo!! |
| Monday, May 12th, 2003 |
| 10:05 pm |
wow... busy busy busy... well.. not really... just been lazy and not doing much lately... so there really isn't anything new to post... lets just say that there have been things happening lately that are putting me in crappy moods... with all of this time of doing nothing... i've started thinking about life again... the recent holidays really made me think and i kinda figured that i'm a lil bitch... hehe... not many people know what i'm talking about... but yea... i've been swamped with school work and i should be doing research instead of watching cartoons right now... but i doubt i'll be doing anything other than tv tonight... oh wells... |
| Tuesday, April 29th, 2003 |
| 11:55 pm |
wow... another week has passed... i failed tests in two of my classes... yea... hope both those teachers curve... really gotta do somethin to help me learn this shit.. anywayz... its kinda late... and i'm fucked up tired... |
| Tuesday, April 22nd, 2003 |
| 9:25 pm |
wow... can't belive i spent all day at school... weeks been rough... it was fish's bday (4/21) went to eat at claim jumpers... and got rocked by all the food... today i got rocked by all the work i had to do... can't believe my group waited till the last day to work on the project... oh wells... on to other stuff... err.... there really isn't any other stuff... so i guess i'm out till i can think of anything else that happened... for now check out fish's site... www.johnnyjhsu.com |
| Monday, April 21st, 2003 |
| 12:24 am |
got cable modem... and cable tv in my room now... NBA playoffs started... machine design project due this week.... its crunch time!!! hope i can make it past this week alright...not time to post anythin juicy... so i'll save it for laters... off to bed i gogogogo!!! |
| Tuesday, April 15th, 2003 |
| 11:35 am |
fuck the pigs...
the world is a cruel cruel place... i got caught speeding... booo... shit sucks... but there is no one to blame but myself... for not gunning it and hiding from the fucking cop... oh wells... live and learn... it seems so unfair... looking at the ticket it says unsafe speeding... as if they ever gave safe speeding ticket... cuz it wouldn't have gotten safer then what i was doing... oh wells... now i'm broke... or at least i will be when i pay the fine... least he didn't catch me at the light before where i was going like 30 over the limit... i think that getting this ticket doesn't make me rethink my driving habits... it just fuels the road rage i currently have and make me want to ram my car into the million... and millions of idiots on teh road... i wouldn't have to speed if they weren't around... cuz i'd be on the free way or soemthing... where they wouldn't be causing traffic and driving liek little bitches... oh wells... looks liek i'll be looking forward to a fun day at traffic school in the near future... fun fun fun!!! p.s: i have renounced my nickname... for it has wronged me... |
| Sunday, April 13th, 2003 |
| 11:01 pm |
be true...
nothin much going on... just chillin... ionno if anyone reads this shit... but yea... its a good way to clear my mind... come to think of it... i shouldn't really care... caring too much is one of my many flaws... i wish i could live life carefree... i wish i could take some time off school and jsut flow... it'd be interesting to jsut spend a year doign nothing... i can't even imagine the types of things that i would learn about myself... i mena... eventually i'd get bored of sitting around at home and doing school work(playing games) all day... wonder what i'd do... honestly... i'm really startign to rethink this mechanical engineering thing... it feels like i'm not changing majors because its too much trouble... ionno if i'm lazy or i jsut wont let myself quit... i'm not saying that any other major wouldbe easy... but i'm starting to realize taht... as interesting as mechanical engineering is... it might not be for me... i seriously think i have ADD... but its proably waht all the TV watchign has done to me... i mean.. dam... my attention span is hellza short... my life is on auto pilot... half the time i'm daydreaming... whether i'm in class... watchign tv... sitting in my room or driving around... oh wells... thats enough bitching for one day... seriously tho... i spaced out int eh middle of typing this shit... i was suddenly thinking about soemthing else... anywayz... i guess what i want to accomplish with this post is to tell people that they need to be themselves... not that anyone i know isn't... it jsut suddenly hit me and i felt liek i needed to write it down somewhere... so here it is... BE TRUE TO YOURSELF AND DON'T TRY TO BE SOMETHING THAT YOU'RE NOT!!! there... i said it... and once i click submit... it'll be there for good... so yea... self explanatory... but in case ur liek me and u spaced out liek 4 times while reading this shit... be yourself... cuz if u be pretending... the real you is gonna come out someday... don't pretend to be tough or cool or even pathetic... honestly... i think i pretend to be a lot of things... but in teh end... its doesn't get me anywhere... i try not to... but sometimes its necesary... some people are fuckign shallow as hell... not sayign that i'm not... but in my eyes... people liek taht are kinda fucked up... but then again.. who am i to judge... some people are naturally liek that... hypocracy is a big problem for me... i talk a lot... but hardly live up to it... i expect a lot of people but can't find the time or will power to practice what i preach... i think thats the only reason i act so opinionless all the time... i haven't found myself.. adn i haven't figured out where i wanna go... oh wells... i'm out... i'm waiting for soemthing... something that i'm using as a scapegoat... i wonder how life will be after i have no scapegoat... wuteverz... we'll see... wee weeeeee... thats a lot of nuts... gbwyn... |
| Tuesday, April 8th, 2003 |
| 9:55 pm |
well... first week of school was... umm... i guess you could say stuffed... 4 mechanical engineering courses and one manufacturing course... loads of fun... michigan was here... so there was tons of eating... there were three days when my day was just school... then eating till i was stuffed... then sleeping... spent a lot of time playing def jam vendetta too... ahaha.. that game is loads of fun... nothin like rappers fucking each other up... well... week 2 of school has started... it seem to be going really slow... days seem to be getting shorter and shorter and i don't seem to be getting enough sleep... i haven't even began to do homework... the problems are hella hard... each one takes like an hour... oh wells... it my fault for being a dumbass and fucking up on my schedule for the past 3 quarters... so i'll be paying for slacking off the past 3 quarters... |
| Tuesday, April 1st, 2003 |
| 6:58 pm |
fear
fuck... for the first time in my life i'm actually afraid of school and the work that i'm going to have to put into it... i thought about quiting and droppin some classes to have an easier workload... but once i do that i'd probably end up on the 7 year plan or somethin... well... looks like this will be the last week of fun for me... i'll be dead for the next ten weeks... |
| Tuesday, February 18th, 2003 |
| 2:18 pm |
i was just messin in my last post... most of that stuff isn't true... i was jsut trying to make people feel sorry for me... hahah... i'm telling the truth this time... honestly... yup... so... my dog is still hella dirty... now she smells wet too... dam rain... school is kicking my ass... but i've finally began learning shit that's somewhat interesting... i'm probably not gonna post anymore... cuz i keep all the cool stuff i keep in my private journal... which can be found at http://home.attbi.com/~edge280/sandboxfinal.swfpeace out... |
| Friday, February 14th, 2003 |
| 4:49 pm |
I AM AN ASSHOLE!!!
wow... it been over a year since my last post... i dunno why i'm posting... kinda feel like i'm being pressured to update... haha.. anywayz... i've been reading various other journals... and everyone seems to be hella happy... kinda makes me feel depressed... been pissed off a lot lately too... i guess its up to me to anti all the happy people and be miserable... school has stopped feeling like learning and has turned into a drag... been finding myself wasting a lot of time... been so bored lately that even being bored has lost its taste... on a brighter note... my dog is still hella dirty and i haven't washed my car in a couple of months... thank goodness its been raining... took care of those two things real good!!! thats about it for now... i can't believe taht its been a year and thats all i got to say... pretty pathetic ehh?? now you know i ain't lying about doing nothing... life has become a perfect balance of school and wasting time... boo yea grandma!! |